Porn, Puppets & Sexy Brains (Look! No strings!)

It might not be everyone who can chart their burgeoning childhood sexuality through annual Christmas Day screenings of The Sound of Music, but this queer can. As an innocent little whippersnapper I started out simple: I just wanted to be Maria. Then, following a briefly regressive spell as Gretl (I was badly neglected by my imaginary Fairy Godmother, Lady Penelope, at the time), I began to feel a trifle funny about Friedrich, before I moved on to the fantasy of being rogered ragged by Rolfe. The progression was pretty swift, actually - I was an early developer.

By this time, to wake up one morning and find I had become the seductive Baroness was my principal wish and sole desire, having weaved an alternative porno subplot involving the rich older woman being disciplined oh-so-harshly by the buff young bit of Nazi crumpet. So, Maria could yodel and make her own dresses and was an amazing puppeteer - all very big pluses not to be taken lightly, but who's gonna have a wank over that? No thanks, Fraulein. I was gonna hitch up my schnitzel and abuse the noodle, even if it did make me an evil slut. Brown paper packages tied up with strings? Now you're talking my language.

But they say as you get older, you grow more conservative...

As the years went on, my Sound of Music Sexuality Timeline (or S & M stream for short) developed yet further, culminating in the sudden realisation several years ago that I must be something like a proper adult because, actually, the Captain von Trapp's a bit of a dish, isn't he? Even if he does move like a Thunderbirds puppet.

Or maybe that's the fucking rub right there. I don't know if it's because I've had a bit of a drought lately or what but there's something about this that gives me a hard on: