I will love and cherish you until I flush you down the loo

Remember when Charles and Diana got married? That fabulous frock with the train that went on for days. More than 3,000 guests in the invited congregation. 7 million viewers worldwide. Magnificent. Probably the only comparable event more magnificent since was her magnificent funeral, which was completely magnificent. Except for Elton, which had to be Tony Blair's idea.

No woman alive can hope in her wildest dreams to be as lucky as Diana. It's impossible to afford even the basic package of a simple wedding these days, and half of all newlyweds enter married life with a mountain of debt as a consequence of matrimonial expense. But, if you and your partner are crippled by the credit crunch, trembling under the pressure of impending debt for the rest of your lives, and your parents are clinging onto their cash 'cos they don't trust you to pay for a decent funeral when they're gone, there is a third way...

The answer is to get your fucking guests to help you pay for it. This'll really separate the wheat from the chaff and show you who your true friends are. Those who dig deep can sit up by the top table and quaff Cristal with the A-listers. The skinflints can sit at the back with a bottle of Lambrini and damn well like it.

And, much further down the line, when one of you croaks it, don't fret about the expense of a posh coffin, or worry about the environmental repurcussions of cremation. Mortuary science has come up with a third way: dissolving the body in lye and flushing it down the drain.

Welcome to your future. Rest in piss.

Image from Adam Bolt Photography's photostream on Flickr.

Written by Dickie on 9 May 2008 9:44 AM. Permalink