You want more detail on the Nazi sex, don't you?

The Guardian was presumably worried that the story might offend any number of minority groups, and hence concentrates only on the legal angle and the fact that Max is likely to sue. Yawn.

The Telegraph takes one step back from the action to avoid being tarnished with the litigation brush, and talks instead of how Max’s mates don’t think he’d do that sort of thing. Whose mates ever do? Glitterditch encourages Ecclestone’s pals to speak up about whatever skeletons or butt-plugs he has hidden in his closet.

Same with the Mail – to be honest, we thought we could rely on the Tory toffs to at least briefly mention a bit of corporal punishment. We are disappointed, and recommend an immediate relaxation of immigration laws as a penalty.

The Times gives the most balanced viewpoint of all, with as many facts crammed in as possible, and a little bit of tittilation for those with shorter attention spans.

The Express missed the boat completely. They do carry a little unexplicit dull-as-ditchwater detail on the Sheridan swinging case, but nothing on our favourite formula one pervert.

From the prudish bile being spat in these papers we conclude that it’s not a good day to be kinky, particularly if you happen to be a switch male with a penchant for prison role-play and a deceased Nazi father. We're off to cower in the cellar for a while, and we advise Mr Mosley to do the same. Preferably with a wall of lawyers to hide behind.